Psychotherapy Articles

Learning to Live with your Partner: Surviving the Most Difficult Times

Relationships have several stages, and there are challenges within each stage: The stages are limerance, disillusionment, and adjustment. Many relationships end during the transition times, so let's look at how to make it through these rough times.

Limerance: Knowing you’re in love

When two people first meet, there's often an initial rush of sex and intimacy. It's not unusual to hear men in a new relationship say things like, "We've known each other for two months, and he's moving in!" This time, known as the Limerance stage, is when you spend lots of time together, have long phone conversations, and enjoy plenty of sex. You know you're in Limerance when you say things like, "He's amazing," "He is the sweetest guy I have ever met," or "He's the one."

For the first few months, it's natural to start out feeling close and to idealize each other. It’s a great time for the relationship, and you think that the relationship will never end. You have everything in common, and maybe even you believe that you were meant to be with each other. For those of you who are so inclined, you may think that you have known each other in a prior lifetime.

Limerance is also a time where nothing can go wrong. There’s never a word of disagreement. You think about him all the time and can’t wait for the phone to ring. He can’t wait to see you either. You tell all of your friends about him, and you are completely in love.

There are several theories for Limerance. One theory about why couples start out this way is that later on these memories are the glue that helps keep them together when times gets rough.

The Disillusionment stage: Falling off the pedestal

Regardless of why you start out in Limerance, you will eventually acquire a more realistic view of your partner. Adjusting your lens from rose-colored to clear is part of settling into a long-term relationship. You start to become disappointed and change your opinion because you didn't notice his negative qualities. Just as overlooked were your differences. As a result, there's an accompanying fall off the pedestal. This fall, or Disillusionment stage, is illustrated by the following complaints: “She’s not who I thought she was,” "We are arguing a lot," and "If she'd only listen to me, things would be better."

Although this is natural, accepting a more honest picture of each other is difficult. At this juncture in the relationship, accord gives way to calling attention to the differences between the two of you. You are unalike because of three factors: your social identities, childhood circumstances, and beliefs and values.

Social identity includes given attributes, such as ethnicity and age. It also consists of personal preferences, such as belonging to organizations (12-step groups, front runners, and so on), liking certain types of music, and having hobbies. Not only do your social identities impact you, but the way you view them has an influence on how you see yourself and others.

Childhood circumstances encompass where you were raised, degree of discipline, attitudes, and your position in the family (oldest, middle, youngest, or only child). Your upbringing leads to your own way of relating to other people as you become an adult. Another important circumstance is who you were raised by and, if you were raised by two parents, the quality of their relationship. If they overused alcohol or other drugs or abused you as a child, this will color your world. What you observed and experienced growing up has a large impact on your relationships as an adult.

Your social identity and childhood circumstances create the third factor, which is your set of values. Beliefs and values are formed at an early age, and they come from early experiences, how you see the world, and your place in the family.

These three factors lead to every person having a unique personality. Therefore, each person is different. Life events affect the way you view the world, so your values are likely to change, although your core personality is set at a fairly early age. Your personality affects how you perceive your partner, because it includes the amount of trust you have, your communication style, and ability to commit. Therefore, the Disillusionment stage refers to the fact that your relationship will have challenges that comes up as you find out you are very different from each other.

A potential problem that arises out of being different from one another is that you and your partner may begin to struggle for control. Control issues include deciding whose way you'll be doing things and trying to change the other person. If you recognize what's going on, you can more readily solve problems related to control. Otherwise, it can be a time when you might feel the need to get away. Relationship escapes don’t need to be actual ways to leave. Escapes include activities like drinking, sex outside the relationship, overeating, the Internet, and excessive anger. If it gets overwhelming, the relationship may not

ive.

Along with forging ways of relating to each other and figuring out how to resolve control issues, fears of abandonment and insecurities come up during this stage. Covering up these feelings or not talking about them can cause you to act out these feelings in ways that are destructive to the relationship, and they may lead to the breaking (up) point. It is equally detrimental if you do not pay attention to your own and your partner's concerns at this time and don’t talk about your fear of the relationship ending.

The Adjustment stage: Getting to know each other

To some degree, all couples must go through an Adjustment stage. Even with a rush to intimacy, with enough effort, there are ways to come through it. Proceeding in a deliberate (conscious) manner gives you the opportunity to develop a solid relationship.

Common interests can be beneficial for the relationship. For example, if both of you go to movies every week, love dogs, eat dinner out a lot, and enjoy shopping, you can adjust to each other's preferences fairly easily. More important than common interests, however, are shared values. Each of you could have an amazing amount of things in common, but if your values clash, you will have a hard time adjusting to one another.

Giving yourself more time to get to know each other before moving in can help you decide if you're compatible and have similar values. In the early part of a relationship, it's not unusual to focus on the other person while neglecting your own wants and needs. This oversight stems from feelings of insecurity, but it is important to focus more on whether this person is right for you rather than whether you measure up to his expectations. Using this empowering strategy, your focus shifts from being the right person to finding the right person.

If you and your partner are willing to let go of control and let things happen naturally, you are building a more solid foundation than if you rushed into the relationship and overlooked flaws and potential problems. By taking it slowly and introducing sex after a while, it is easier to let a relationship evolve, and you can take the next steps at a leisurely pace.

During the Adjustment stage, it's okay to acknowledge that each of you had misperceptions about each other, but remember that your partner will have flaws that you will have to live with, and he will have to learn to live with your flaws as well. If you think he will change in fundamental ways, don't count on it. It’s a common mistake to find someone you think you can change, but it’s better to find someone who you accept for who he is.

That isn't to say that you can't accommodate your spouse on certain issues. There are changes that you can make as a result of being aware of how they affect him. For example, if he asks you to drop your dirty clothes in the closet hamper rather than on the bedroom floor, it doesn't take much to make the change permanent.

But notice in this example that I'm referring to something he asks for you to do and not something you ask him to do. You have the right to ask for similar changes, but he may or may not comply with your requests. When you reach a stalemate, it is time to ask yourselves: Are your requests too demanding or is he not going to budge? This is a simple example of the myriad issues that each couple must resolve. Note that resolution is possible only if both of you take responsibility for these challenges and do your part to resolve them.

With taking enough time to get to know each other, you can discover relationship strengths, accept that you have differences that create conflict, and manage control issues. You can weather the Disillusionment and Adjustment stages so that falling in love has a chance to become building love.