Psychotherapy Articles

Healing from Sexual Abuse: A Difficult Process

Of all of the kinds of childhood abuse, sexual abuse is often the most damaging to the lives of individuals. In this article, I discuss sexual abuse, the impact on individuals and relationships, and some resources for learning how to survive.

What it is

Sexual abuse includes any sexual touching, rubbing, or fondling of a child by an older person, as well as being shown pornography or sexually explicit websites. The perpetrator can be an older child, adolescent, or adult. The advances may be resisted or welcomed by the child, and if s/he is young enough, the child may not understand what is happening at the time.

There are generally two kinds of perpetrators. The Seducer entices their victims into having sex without coercion or threats. This kind of abuse generally starts out as “play” before turning into sex. The other type of perpetrator is the Coercer – s/he will make threats to kill the child’s parents or pet, for example, if the child doesn’t comply. Sometimes, the Seducer can become coercive if s/he becomes afraid that the child will reveal what’s going on.

Contrary to popular belief, most perpetrators are not strangers. Rather, often they are relatives and other trusted authority figures. The vast majority of perpetrators are heterosexual and male, and they may not have a preference for the gender of their victims.

Effects of sexual abuse

As adults, regardless of the type of abuser, many of the effects are similar. A number of factors will influence how an adult handles prior sexual abuse and a large number of people develop flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance of people and places and other signs of post-traumatic stress, in addition to anxiety and depression.

Some people can more readily access healthier “coping tools” to deal with abuse, but others turn to alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, and self-harm as a way of coping. These coping tools, while helpful in the short run, easily become problems later on.

A great number of victims feel guilt about their abuse. Ironically, victims who were forced to have sex generally have less guilt as adults than those who were seduced. This is because the Seducers trick their victims into seeing the abuse as a mutual experience. Indeed, the physical sensations of being touched, in addition to the emotional experience of being loved and cared for, can create a sense of responsibility and reciprocity.

Many gay men feel that the abuse somehow turned them gay, and they question if they would be gay without being abused. At the same time, many lesbians wonder if abuse by a male perpetrator caused them to turn to women. Of course, both cannot be true (which makes neither of them true), but on an emotional level, gay and lesbian victims have to deal with this nagging question. This is especially challenging for gay men who buy into the “conversion” and lesbians who buy into the “lesbians hate men” myths, perpetrated by much of society.

In addition to guilt, most victims develop a deep sense of distrust and fear of intimacy. Issues of abandonment and betrayal are often related to the aftermath of sexual abuse. These hardships often make adult relationships problematic and challenging at best. A history of abuse can lead to sexual problems, including sexual disorders related to libido, arousal, and ejaculation.

Some Resources to Help

Help for coping with the challenges of being a survivor of sexual abuse comes from many places. While there are many places for heterosexual survivors, there are not as many choices for LGBT people. That is why the internet can be a good resource, especially for those who prefer to remain anonymous. Please consider going to this site on gay male survivors and lesbian survivors and their partners.

Therapy is a place where many people go for assistance in recovering, and there are many groups for abuse survivors led by competent therapists. If you don’t have a friend who can offer you a referral, the Internet may be a good place to start.

Spouses can help, and if you’re in a relationship, your partner can only help you if s/he knows that you have been abused and is respectful of your issues. You can inform your partner of certain phrases or things that s/he shouldn’t do sexually to avoid triggering memories (and some triggers have nothing to do with sex), and you can ask your partner to turn control over to you if you feel the need to do so. If your partner won’t do these things for you, you may need of a marriage counselor, and if that doesn’t help, you may need to question if this is the right person for you.

Friends can also help, but like partners, they may not have an objective enough view to help you. However, if you reveal some of your thoughts and feelings to a friend who turns out to have been abused, it can be a relief to know that your experiences are not unique. For most people, self-help groups, therapy, and on-line groups can go a long way toward healing from sexual abuse.