Psychotherapy Articles

What’s Feelings Got to Do with It?

During couples therapy, I often hear one partner turn to the other partner and say “I feel...” followed by things like “...you are not listening to me,” or “...you shouldn't do that.” “That isn’t a feeling, - that’s a thought,” I’d comment. They’d look at me, confused about the difference and why the distinction is important.

What is a feeling?

As with couples I see, many people do not understand the difference between a feeling and a thought. However, it’s important to know the difference for your emotional and physical health. A thought is a concept, notion, or opinion, but a feeling is something that you experience. When you feel something, you experience changes in your body, such as your warmth or heat, constriction or tightness, a pounding heart, clammy hands, or heaviness in your chest. When you’re not being heard, or if your partner keeps doing something that you are uncomfortable with, then what you most likely feel is irritated, hurt, angry, or some combination of the three, along with the physical sensations.

In general, common feelings are: sad, angry, hurt, horny, frustrated, confused, and happy. More complex, and often harder to identify, feelings include aggravated, provoked, irked, exasperated, distressed, blue, flustered, and agitated.

You can also feel two or more different feelings at the same time. When you say that you have “mixed feelings” about something, it implies that it is confusing or it doesn’t make sense. But when you look closer, many emotions can occur at the same time. For example, when you graduate from school, it isn’t uncommon to feel exhilarated, disappointed, sad, and apprehensive. You’re proud of your sense of accomplishment, disappointed and sad to leave friends behind, and anxious because you are uncertain about the future. In fact, some students fail in senior year because of an unconscious fear of leaving.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to distinguish between feelings. For example, excitement and fear are two feelings that have a lot of crossover (think roller coasters and scary movies). That’s partly because very different feelings can have the same physical sensations. For example, you can have a lump in your throat and break out in a sweat when you are learning to skydive (fright) and when you see someone who you’re attracted to (anticipation and elation).

If you don’t express your emotions directly, you run the risk of acting them out. For example, if you give your partner a dirty look, an eye roll, or the Silent Treatment, you are expressing anger at something. No matter what the emotion is, if you don’t express it directly, it has to come out one way or another.

An example: Feelings related to coming out

Perhaps the most confusing and difficult feelings emerge when you learn that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or are trapped in the wrong gender. And coming to terms with your sexual orientation or identity involves a myriad of conflicting emotions. The emotions sneak up on you. They swirl. They overwhelm. Feelings include fear, dread, relief, shame, loss, worry, freedom, anger, apprehension, unease, mistrust, guilt, joy, and acceptance – to name just a few.

While some LGBT individuals have supportive, loving family and friends and come out to at an early age, most of us start out by denying our same-sex attraction. Along with denial, there are other ways you can run away from feelings that result from your same sex attraction. You may develop various coping strategies, such as rationalizing or minimizing your feelings. If those don’t work, unhealthier coping strategies can take their place, like taking drugs, drinking, overeating, and gambling.

Over time, however, you probably figured out how to deal with these complex, often contradictory emotions. A developmental task is to find a support system where you feel safe to talk about what it’s like to come out and to replace unhealthy coping strategies with facing your feelings.

Why it’s important to express your feelings

No matter what the reason is, allowing yourself to experience your emotions – even if you can’t label them – is critical to your well-being. Expressing emotions can give you the strength to not use unhealthy strategies. Expressing feelings can also put you in a better mood, alleviate depression and anxiety, and lead to a better functioning immune system.

We can all work to become better at expressing emotions, and at the same time, rely less on unhealthy coping strategies to deal with them. The other point to remember, however, is that you will never ever be perfect at it. To realize your imperfection is to recognize your humanity. It’s part of life to live with some broken-ness or imperfection. This can lead to another important emotion – compassion for others.

Becoming comfortable with your imperfection may not be easy because it involves tolerating some very unpleasant emotions. The good news is that once you become comfortable in expressing your emotions, you are on the road to being fully human and capable of loving yourself and others.